I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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