I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
