so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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