No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
