There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We had to coat check the pizza.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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