Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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