my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
