i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
