It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
