I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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