Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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