Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
