Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
