Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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