My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
