I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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