So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
