don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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