Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
