found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
