Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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