My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Randomize
