Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I bet he comes in French.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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