I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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