I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
