It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
