Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
