Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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