I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
