the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
