so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
