someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
