If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
