i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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