Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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