I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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