I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
