last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
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Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
my poor anus
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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