im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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