he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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