What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
