I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
