hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
