my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
