tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
