Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
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I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
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I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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