My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
