What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
