Swine flu. Run for my life!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
