I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
