the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
