see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
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