he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
