I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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