when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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