so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
