I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
