I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
