drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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