Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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