his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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