I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
