he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
